It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
