Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize