I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
