If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize