just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
