...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the condom got lost in my hair
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
