Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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