just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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