they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Damn victory sex feels great
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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