It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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