Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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