Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
