She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
