youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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