How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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