She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize