i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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