He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
