I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
