I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize