Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
