I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
