So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
