This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
