dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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