I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
