I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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