Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
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