Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
And then he peed in my hair
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