I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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