when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You need a sexual gate keeper
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Success! We fucked roommates!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
