I should be sponsored by Trojan
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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