is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
