Who wears a wallet chain?!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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