i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
false alarm. still invincible.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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