There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
