dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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