I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
