Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
