At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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