Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
pray to the hookup gods
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
