UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
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