note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
