I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
