Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize