i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
