I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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