No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
