Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
