in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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