the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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