Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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