I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I need to stop coming to work sober
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
