I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize