Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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