i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
