i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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