i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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