I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize