I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
