I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
