Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
