The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
