She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize