Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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