You took a bar mat shot.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
